mental health

BPD/PTSD and Turner Memories with me…

This is further details about my story, how this happened and can shed light into why “Turner Memories” were more than memories to me:

Today, I had an appointment with “Dr. O” (privacy purposes from here on out) and asked for a medication change immediately; before the door was completely closed and I sat down.

I explained, prior to making myself go to Starrcast for an overly-needed vacation, that my life was consumed with paranoia and agoraphobia. You see the only time I ever left my house is when I felt “mandated” to. No big deal right? We have to leave the house all the time for something… right? WRONG.

With the advancement of customer service and technology, we can literally have things picked up or delivered to our doorstep. Groceries, school supplies, books, fabric, patterns, business tools… all delivered. The only times I have left the house this year is easier to recall than anything else. Doctors appointment or child custody exchange were the only times I’d leave the house.

I went from 1 medication to 6. Next week it’ll be 5. All the different symptoms need all different medications.

I haven’t slept in bed with my husband in several months because the couch was in a place I could have all visible sight of accessible entrances and exits of our home… except my bedroom but even though we have the window locked and mechanisms in place for security, not to mention security cameras, I had this overwhelming fear of someone breaking in. It is truly a terrible way to live.

I’ve avoided group Yoga for this purpose too because I’d have to be out and about. I almost sold my tickets to Starrcast because I was afraid. I had been to the first one but somewhere overtime the paranoia and agoraphobia had become insurmountable; suffocating my soul slowly each day until mental collapse.

I had only had 3-4 hours sleep each night. Ambien wasn’t working anymore. I’d pace… on the nights that sleep completely evaded me more than 2 days in a row I would play SummerSlam 1992 on the WWE Network to hear my “dad” (I know he’s not), Tony Schiavone, broadcast with Jesse Ventura; calling the Brain Busters versus Hart Foundation March. It relaxed me enough to maybe get that 3-4 hours sleep.

But there were also times where the anxiety was too great and I’d need to hear my other “dad” (again… I know.), Jim Ross, broadcast on either an older WCW Saturday Night binge watch (binge play if I managed to doze off) or a long PPV he called during his years with WWE. Something about their voices were distinguishing your safe to me. They made me feel like it was okay to be in this world especially from a young age.

If you watch “Turner Memories” on FITE from Starrcast III, I shed some light on earlier memories. At 6, my vocabulary was comparable to a child of 2-3 years old. I don’t recollect anything keeping me from talking so I assume with lack of socialization; I didn’t know or didn’t find purpose. I had horrible asthma. There was always one parent chained with me at home because the weather or the smallest of things would trigger an attack. My parents just were tired of me after many hospital stays etc. my normal would be sitting me down in front of the T.V. To watch WCW Saturday Night.

My mother was dealing with weight issues from medication and self-loathing. She would sit in the kitchen on the phone with my grandmother back in Missouri for long periods of time. She only had 2 friends maybe 3. One always took my sister to do fun stuff or have sleepovers. I had only been in the ladies house twice. She got my mom hooked on smoking. My mom cleaned 8 hours a day, vacuumed the whole house every other day, cleaned the curtains and throw rugs once a week and changed our sheets twice a week. The asthma overly consumed her need to clean. My dad was smart and would leave to play golf after a long day of ARMY. It was very well known that had I not had asthma their lives would be better. This wasn’t an assumption or misunderstanding. Everything was quite literal in our home.

My dad was nearing 40 and was focused on looking and staying young not to mention focus on his Golf swing. We lived in Fort Dix, New Jersey. I went to a pre-school designated for Special Needs kids. At that time, the school districts didn’t intermingle children nor did they have their own classroom at the same school.

At 8, we moved to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. We lived in Hopkinsville, in a rented house, until housing was available. My mom had went into the hospital for rectacile (sp?) and a male family member had come to stay with us. My sister got to stay with our grandma back in Missouri for the summer. This was because we had to have a sitter while our dad was in the field or at work. He forced oral sex on me in our jack and Jill bathroom. I didn’t know it was wrong until he said if I told my parents, he would kill them.

As I got older, I learned this was inappropriate behavior and I told my mom. She scolded me for even saying anything to her and made it clear not to tell my dad; further victim shaming me because I waited a few years to say anything so I must not be telling the truth.

By the time I was in 5th grade, my asthma only bothered me if I ran. I still wasn’t allowed outside and if I did… I couldn’t leave the porch. My sister was in 8th grade and was horrendously bullied for our mom dressing her still and not allowing her to be an 8th grader. It became embarrassing for my dad so he stepped in on my sister’s behalf and got her contacts, let her wear what she wanted (within reason) etc.

I never wore halter tops, crop tops or even spaghetti straps. It made me uncomfortable. I always would be afraid if a man made eye contact with me that he would be like the male family member. My sister and I never had a problem with one or the other stealing clothes because she always had skin showing. This still sticks with me today…

But I found safety again at 14 when we had our own room TV. I would flip between WCW Nitro and RAW. I didn’t have any after school socialization if at all. So wrestling became my life whether it was RPGs or arguing with someone how Raven’s flock was going to take all the titles (I was a huge raven mark). I was bullied some because I didn’t know how to interact which made me “weird”. My mom took me to a licensed counselor and he basically blamed my parents lack of parenting or totalitarianship as he referred to it causing Borderline Personality Disorder. She stopped counseling immediately.

After my parents divorced later on in 99’, my mom went downhill with booze, pills and promiscuity. She didn’t care for herself nor us kids. She drew alimony and child support from my dad but would use the money on her flavor of the quarter and their kids. My sister was a senior in high school, carrying a 4.0 gpa, worked at Sonic and brought me home food to eat every night. If she hadn’t worked, we would’ve starved. She was angry at my dad’s infidelities but I loved him because he was better than mom at least… just couldn’t stay faithful.

My sister got married to get out of the house and my mom got a bf who was really a good guy. He treated me like his kid but wasn’t allowed to buy me stuff because my mom didn’t want to owe him anything (he never asked her for anything). I started to become defiant in High School because I was tired of the neglect and not having friends. Her boyfriends kid hated her. One time she tracked mud in and my mom tossed her shoes into the burn barrel. She was mortified and told the whole school my mom was a psycho. She wasn’t lying. I felt bad for her I guess cause it was normal.

Every time my mom would get set off we’d have to move out and I would be withdrawn from school. We could be gone 2 weeks or at one point only 3 hours because my aunt set my mom off about her smoking in my aunts house. The Willow Springs School made her go before an attendance committee because they were going to take away my credits due to some of our stints being gone weren’t very long so the unenrollments became absences.

When I was 17, We lived with my aunt for more than a year. I got my GED and worked at Dollar Tree. My mom was ready to move back but I was content. My aunt finally got her to let me drive on a highway by myself, get a job, get a bank account and attempted to get her to let me learn how to adult. It was a hard battle but she finally left without me. I still loved her because I didn’t know any better at the time. I just thought my aunt hated me because she wanted me to know these things. My mom manipulated things she’d say or do to make it look like she had my best interest and I needed her to sustain my being.

As an adult, I was married twice both ex’s were abusive. The first almost killed me and I lost a son due to being born stillborn. My second husband was because my parents enforced “doing the right thing” when I became pregnant with my daughter.

After my second divorce, I moved back to where she was and a tornado hit. Natalie and I had been relocated by the Red Cross to Springfield, Missouri. I worked hard as a single mom, dealing with what I know now from “Dr. O” as PTSD (also Dr. S). I had my first two battles with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and was still somehow maintaining our life.

After 2 years… I was exhausted trying to raise a 2 years old, no support, working 12-16 hour days to afford basic needs and go to college. After college was over, I couldn’t afford less hours to look for a job in my field. I also had another unhealthy relationship with someone who participated with prostitutes in Thailand and not informing me of it. He wasn’t using protection and I doubt he was getting tested. This all became too much and I overdosed on painkillers, margaritas and sleep aid. My daughter was at her dads for visitation. Luckily, I had a friend stop by cause they were in the area. I was resuscitated and admitted to the local nuthouse. After a week, I had a bit of understanding of what my issues were but was released too soon back to work. I ended up trying to overdose a second time but with less effort because I really wanted help.

It has been a rebuilding experience these last few years. I reconnected with my now-present day partner, Ryan. We had dated back when I was 20 but parted ways due to career timing etc. I had a major battle again with non-Hodgkin and ended up having a SCT (stem cell transplant). He’s been my rock. He’s been an awesome 2nd dad to Natalie. He indulges my love of wrestling… while many good things have happened, I still wasn’t living my life. My BPD and PTSD got worse. As previously mentioned, I met Tony and told him a brief version of this and that’s how I was invited on the panel.

Since that day, I have felt the best I have ever felt. J.R. Had the best advice about what he learned about life after his beloved Jan passed away. The safe feelings came back and I was able to absorb more In that panel than the Quackery I’ve paid for over the years.

My life has been forever changed by Conrad, J.R. And most of all Tony Schiavone. I hope their children appreciate them because I would’ve gave anything to have met them sooner and hear their words.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to admit you have mental health issues and take medication. It’s okay to ask for help. You never know how your story will heal another.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s